A service that calls customer service on your behalf. Avoid the hassle and anger. Your time is more valuable than the cost of or service. If company becomes big enough collusion can occur.

Why don't Asian have the most defined asses when they have do squats every time they go to the bathroom?

My new resume:
James "Frank" Fitzmaurice
Have gun
Will travel

You know it's not good when your daughter calls you out of the blue from vegas to tell you she's safe

I want my gravestone to have a heptadecagon and underneath to say, "I had a love affair with the world"

If Paul Simon brought Cecilia up to "his" bedroom where did the guy come from while he was in the bathroom?

Burl Ives taught us that there's more to Christmas decorations then just red and green

You gotta stretch, I do exercises every morning. I start with the tongue (poke tongue in alternating cheeks)

Go to a Todd glass party in the summer with a Christmas tree in a box set it up. Bring in wrapped presents. ask before arriving the names of all the people who will be there, under the guise of being nervous. Make quick sticker labels with peoples names on it.
Gifts can be cheap simple thing that are entertaining in a party atmosphere but not cumbersome to the rest of the party

Nothings cozier than A Christmas tree plus it presents the context of giving and receiving presents.

Keep a Christmas tree in the Todd glass studio filled with presents, maybe there's even one under the tree for you!

My grandfather was always old. I look back now at being a kid when I thought my parents were old but in "reality" my parents were young. Why as young as I am now and I still feel spry! When I was a kid I thought  my grandfather was old. Turns out I was right. He was old when I was born and he will remain old untill the day I die.

the 2nd oldest man on earth. Every time people ask him how he got to be so old he gives a ridiculous response that meanders to an unanswerable conclusion.

To what do you credit your incredible longevity?

"I always used dental floss."

"haha that's great. You kids at home pay close attention ya hear."

"so, seriously how did you get to be so old?"

"I always been a flosser, from day one. they used to laugh at me back when all I had to use was a piece of string I traded with the girl up the street, Claribel, for two blue eggs from our chicken Rosie who laid colored eggs, gods honest truth."

"So, you credit living so long to flossing? Were there any other secrets you might be able to share."

"I would floss every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up with that string and this was before floss was invented. people called me foolish. If i had patented the idea when i had it id be a millionaire!"

Is there anything anything more too it than dental floss? You see I'm terrified of dying and you seem to be the most experienced person at not dying so let me know your secrets. Don't keep them from me and all the other young people like a greedy old person. I know you know! Tell me! Tell me how to live longer!"

Jumps over table. Forces 2nd oldest man to plead uncle. (a simple task)

Oldest man pleads for clemency. Gives in on the condition that he will only tell the host and the host can't tell anyone else.
Host gives a big wink to the camera, says ok.

2nd Oldest man asks for a pen and paper. Thank you. Pulls out a decoder ring starts writing. Finishes note, passes the paper and the decoder ring across the table. Host starts to solve

"be sure to floss"
You no good scoundrel!
Hey, look over there.
What?
2nd Oldest man runs off

what if the oldest guy in the world knew the secret to longevity but wouldn't tell anyone. He thinks its funny but everyone else takes it serious.

Is there any non dental floss?

I genuinely asked my 100 year old great grandmother the question "how did you get to be so old?" and she genuinely gave me the answer "dental floss" and I never asked a follow-up question so now that is the answer

In a competition to laugh best
The oldest man in the world dies and the second oldest man in the would laughs last.
Ha ha! Everyone born before me is already dead. I outlasted em all. Ha ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA!!!!

What I want to fix within journalism: exe. interview subject: the oldest man in the world. reporter asked him "how do you get to be so old" he says, "i always use dental floss" and then the reporter moves on. I wanted to ask the question more and deeper every time

Tv show about people who live in a country with a crazy dictator and they have to adjust to his new ridiculous and absurd new laws.

No pants, only eat green food on Tuesdays, sing a certain song at a certain time.
Everyone must do a dance at a certain time

A curse where the first person to cry at a funeral is the next to die

"How will the words be effective to the reader? It's not the words themselves that will make a difference, but the act of contemplating a position from a different perspective." -Chang Huang

Dick Pound: Olympic Representative

Porn where the guy does stuff to annoy the girl like making funny faces, sounds, nonsensical actions

Cookie Monster

I came home from the grocery store and want to eat a cookie but there was a homeless guy on the corner and I didn't want to share or appear miserly

Immersion

If you have rape phobia I do not recommend immersion therapy

Single Handedly

Menage e un

In line at target

In line at target thinking about how long lines don't bother me because there is usually enough stimulus to arouse a preoccuping train of thought, however i recognize that my patience is unique and the rest of this line is probably frustrated by its unusual length, although most likely only an additional minute or two out of someone's day, twice as long as one would usually expect. I observed the woman behind me, late 50's Eastern European, with a slight accent, wearing light jewelry, lets call her Babushka, was in particular distress. Through seemingly no provocation she shouted "this is too long, I give up."
"what does that mean you, 'give up'?" i replied with meek curiosity, fairly confidant i would receive no reply. she didn't seem to be talking to me, despite speaking in my direction, but rather addressing the store in general.
How does one "give up" in this situation. It isn't a war, you can't surrender with a white flag. Waiting in line is not really an activity, its not like you quit running or swimming, you're just standing in a line. Is that too hard? to be alone with your thoughts and nothing to do for a minute. Do you just place your stuff on the shelf with the magazines and walk past the cashier out the door? Doesn't she realize the amount of time she invested getting to this point? Driving to the store, finding her godiva chocolates, getting in line and waiting for, approximately thirty seconds, before making this formal declaration to the world her lack of perseverance. Is she on that tight of a schedule that she can't spare an extra two minutes of waiting? How could she afford time to even go to the store in the first place?
Unfortunately my curiosity was never satisfied as the lady who was currently getting checked out offered to pay for the ladies chocolate so that she could cut the line. The lady immediately accepted. But I spoke out, "don't do it, too frequently the squeaky wheel gets the grease. We are all waiting in line here, its an insignificant burden we all share when we go to stores." What was I doing, I was speaking up for a position that was not even my own, I was fine with waiting in line while she was clearly agitated.
Fortunatly, my plea was to no avail, the lady moved to the front of the line and swiftly walked off with her chocolate. I wondered if perhaps she had to go to the bathroom.
To diffuse the tension that probably only I felt in that moment, I attempted to strike up conversation with my fellow patriots of line suffrage. Behind me now was a swarthy ponytailed employee, lets call him Ignatious, who appeared to be on break or specifically inept at solving the particular line situation we were struggling under. Behind him was a father and his 4th grade son. The kid, lets call him Jacob, had both arms wrapped around some kind of nerf gun. I said, "hey, what kind of bullets does that nerf gun have? The ones that whistle or the ones that stick? Jacob was too timid to talk to a stranger so his dad, lets call him Kevin Smith, says, "Actually, these are the bullets that go in a clip."
Ignatious speaks up, "they actually discontinued the nerf with the whistle in favor of the clip method, and then optimized them so they fly farther, I have two ... And 4 interchangeable clips That i play zombies with my friends at school. The .... Is the best gun because it takes every size clip and has the best rapid fire mode."
Kevin smith gently chides, "Where do you keep your books?"
Ignatious unphazed replied, "In my bookbag, I can actually keep ...."
It was my turn in line, I abandoned Jacob and Kevin Smith to the nerd rambling of Ignatious.
I don't understand the motivations of people sometimes. You would think people would be more ashamed of being different, Its bad enough that you are wearing a game of thrones t-shirt, you don't need to prove to me that you know all the names of the characters. It reminds me of guys who go to the gym too much and so that they are unnecessarily large, and then on top of that they will flex to make themselves even bigger. I want to tell them that they need to do the opposite of flexing just so I can feel like we are both members of the same species. This is also my message to nerds, quit flexing. How about pretending you don't know for once and let a child be wrong about trivial minutia.

Tha Associate Press

Start a News company called Tha Associate Press. Say it fast and people with think that you represent The Associated Press

Walk around with a Bluetooth so i can say my thoughts out loud in public. Make sure to elocute

Candy Isle

Go to the grocery store and judge people

I Want a New Drug

Too many times American's have fallen for the idea that "There's this new drug that's ok for you to take every day". Cigarettes, sleeping medication, cocaine, marijuana, vaporized nicotine

Who Knows How to Raise Their Hand?

I ask easy raise-your-hand questions with tough follow-ups

In Your Eyes

I learned to read through empathizing with the author. I also use this technique when taking tests. If I know the author's intention, I can reprioritize through their eyes.

Helplessly Hoping

Kyle Kinane should play David Crosby and Bob Odenkirk should play Steven Stills in a Neil Young biopic

Young Tiresius

My answer to every "would you rather" is to decide which choice would provide me with whatever life would be the most different from my own so I can diversify my experiences like a young Tiresias

Teach Your Children Well

The internet has given everyone an equal voice.
Who are the people who take advantage, minorities.
The most disenfranchised minority has the largest internet presence, children.

Age of Extinction

If Kim Jung Ill was offered the lead role in the next Transformers, do you think he would do it? Could Michael Bay tame him? Would it have to be shot in North Korea. Who would he cast as the female lead.

Epicurus Happiness

"Do not fear god, Do not worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and What is terrible is easy to endure."- Epicurus

New Eyes

When I was 24 I realized I had to reread everything because my perspective has changed so much.

Cyborg

People complain about the hassle of going on an airplane, but really an airplane is just another place to use your phone. That's all the world is anymore, a series of places to use your phone. It doesn't matter if you're eating dinner with your grandmother or driving a car through a 4 way stop. Part of your mind is always on your phone, did someone text or email or snap me, did I see a picture of that on facebook or instagram, that reminds me of something someone tweeted yesterday. These thoughts dominate our consciousness, the internet owns part of our mind, we are all becoming cyborgs and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I never have to know how to solve a math problem anymore and I don't need to store trivia in my brain. So what do I need to know? HOW TO ASK (the computer) QUESTIONS! As the ability to answer questions becomes ubiquitous the ability to ask questions becomes paramount.

The things we tell ourselves are the things that we wish to believe. We wish to believe them because if they were true it would cover up our defiencies and draw intention to our strengths.
"the prom is stupid"
"Dumb jocks"

The topic category gives away the intention. Why are you even thinking about something if you think it is insignificant?

The things we tell to ourselves are of the majority rationalization and attempts to brainwash ourselves against our own feelings.
The phrase that I quote to myself the most frequently "I'm never lonesome when Im by myself." from modest mouse's Baby Blue Sedan. So what does that imply? I'm trying to convince myself that I am not lonely when I am. Over time I had to redefine loneliness. If I am reading a book or watching a movie am I alone? If I am consuming the thoughts of another, isn't that the intrinsic value of a social interaction? What is the need to share yourself with others? Although it's a selfish perspective, if you are not asked, is it necessary to impose your own tales of fortune or distress? "Happiness shared is twice happiness, but sorrow shared is half the sorrow." If I am to live in a global world the meaning of life is to teach and act in ways that resonate through the universe to the infinite.

Some other frequently quoted lines. Interpret as you will.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you'll find, you get what you need."- Mic Jagger (convince my self effort will be rewarded with at least, substance)
"Oh lordy its hard to be humble perfect in every way and it's getting hard to look in the mirror cause i get better looking each day" (confidence can be manufactured!)
" I think I'll pack it in and buy a pickup take me down to LA"- Neil Young (delusions of eccentric grandeur)
"5 beats a day for 3 summers." - Kanye
"What's my age again?"- Blink 182
"you were just a face in the crowd, out in the street walking around" Tom petty
"To be stuck inside a mobile with the Memphis blues again"-Dylan
"And we can be hero's just for one day"- Bowie
"All I wanna do is have some fun, and I got a feeling, I'm not the only one"- Crow
"Photographs and memories"- Jim Croce
"grandma got run over by a reindeer" ???

No Please

Magazine subscriptions are 60% guilt based. Just like girl scout cookies, it is difficult to say no to a child.
It is difficult to say no.

Johnny deep the person is more interesting than any role he's played for years. I want to see a romantic comedy where johnny deep plays himself who falls madly in love (for eccentric reasons) with a random woman he sees on the street.

Like a Doll's Eyes

I thought frosty the snowman was supposed to have a button nose what's with the carrots?

2+2=5

A cure for addiction is brainwashing.

Give up your freedom for a month and you can make anyone to believe anything.

Ettufet brute

Think Fast

Consciousness defines time. A watched pot never boils.

Robber Baron von Munchausen

I don't want to own a business because I don't want to be a slave master

I Should Have Walked Away

I never understood being lost in your eyes before I met you. Every time I see you smile it begins a daydream where, every morning for the rest of my life I wake up in love with you.

Government Art

Who's the modern Medechi?

Cleavage

Cleavage is an effective ice breaker

I used to sneak out of the house when my parents went to sleep. I would  walk barefoot to the park near my house and watch baseball. If i was lucky there would still be a few innings left in a local higschool game. I never used to go when i was younger and more afraid of the dark.
but now im drawn to the lights like the thousands of bugs burning up from flying to close to the lights.

Mass Murderer

I work at the local animal hospital spaying and neutering animals so I can play god.
Does the potential for life begin at conception or earlier?
Am I committing murder every time semen is spilled not used for procreation?

Right to Life

I want men to have the right to choose.

No Rest for The Weary

Contortionists should wake up in the middle of night to stretch

Write a haiku by committee

Manager quality assurance rhyme scheme metaphor simplicity

Jimmy Frankie Fitzy

The name's Jingleheimer-Schmidt, John Jingleheimer-Schmidt. My friends call me John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt but that's only when I go out. When I'm at home they just call my by my nickname, Johnny Jakey Jinglhimey Schmitty

A Poor Tailor

A mendicant who cannot mend a pair of pants.

Being a beautiful girl kinda like being a paranoid schizophrenic, you always feel like people are staring at you, afraid everyone is after you.

Buy pennies to throw

Sexist Fears

Guys own dark alleys

Different silly superstitions that got associated as a harbinger for disasters, your brother got up on the wrong side of the bed one time and krackatoa erupted

Randy Johnson

I call my dick moby dick because my dick looks like Moby
I call my dick and balls Pinky and The Brain because my dick is pink and my balls are wrinkly

Last Wish

Ridiculous deathbed last requests
"Fix the kitchen cabinets"
"Change your name to Gerald" "only pee outside"

7's Up

I think the average 1-10 attractiveness scale is judged on a bell curve.

The telltale "fart"

Gentle Reminder

Your body needs to be reminded that you want to use it in certain ways

Miranda rights are there for cops to remind themselves criminals are allowed to remain silent

The s***** City Association

I want to be the most famous person with my name but that's tough with a name like James so I'm changing my name to shitty-shitty-fuckface. Because even if there were parents in history mean enough to name their child that, they would change their name as soon as they were legally allowed. Which means by default i will be the greatest shity shity fuckface who ever lived. I won't even need a last name like Aristotle or cher. Because i will be the de facto

Youthful Exuberance

Have you ever gone to a school playground to see if you can recapture some of your youthful enthusiasm for life and you just realize how much more exercise you used to need as a kid

First Name Basis

I work at a place where we wear name tags. It's weird when someone you've never met before call's you by your first namey

I should wear a name tag all the time so that it is easier for other people to approach me.

I feel like jet skis are for b****** just like horses
Cause that motion is not great for a guy who has balls

I attempted to add to my vocabulary but I and abandoned the aspiration after the letter A. As an aftereffect I have an awfully apparent affinity for apples

Have you ever told a lie that isn't a lie, yet. Like did you take the garbage pit before its too late? You say yes when you haven't done it with the intention of following through before you are found out

Mary hartman meets the big bang theory

Dynamite outlawed but jj walkers patented Dyn-o-mite fufilled a loophole and now dominates the explosives industry

A begger as a modern sherezade telling tales for sustenance (to use as a framing device)

He who dies pays all debts.

I heard they are repealing the right to remain silent

A glass manhole cover with a scary monster (or lacivious lad) climbing up

Suicide squad led by Charlie from Charlie's angels. Uses suicide hotline.

Go to the elementary school and drop pennies in the parking lot

Always bring own nametag to party (and extras)

Papa murphys law

Do you think hitlers dad was proud? When did get switch over like Walter white?
Artist
In jail but writing book that parents are proud of but never read.
"Well he's saying some harsh things but politicians never keep their promise."
First politician to keep his campaign promises

Invisible man super hero tv show (ghost). Stuck invisible. Following meets Amelie meets my name is earl each episode help one person

Pretend to mishear someone so they look stupid even though you are the one making the mistake

Its like trying to explain an orgasm to a ten year old

Has there ever been a great invisible superhero

Abbot costello bit about sending a telegram about a stop sign

Blind movie reviews

I could never date a midget, i love 69 you much

A confidant man lives in small world.
Placed in a new environment ... comedy gold.

The world on exists as how you imagine it to be. Most people imagine the world to breath more complicated than i do and this gives me confidence

Firemen aren't there to save your dumb ass if you catch your shit on fire, they are there to help save your ass and assets from your dumb as neighbors

Fold equity for confidence

Sunset moon mountain forest ocean beach feet pussy/dick tiiys lips blanket

When the student becomes the master, should nevers cease to be a student to his own teaching. (to phrase with animal metaphor)

A ring that holds water as a lense over a curvature that shines best at arms length revealing its to its beholder

Montage of nerds running for the bus

Skit about group of black guys with founding father last names

Guy who knows supreme court statues to settle and ridiculous dispute a la Steve landesberg

White city shopping center vs. Panera bread
"no reasonable speaker of English would call a burrito a sandwich"

This drug makes your nose feel like your elbow

The scapegoat

Dwight in the 90's with shoulder pad suit

Entourage for sports

I started smoking because i didn't love anything. At least i could love this tobacco tube

Vegans and peta are white over compensation for slaver guilt

Why can't they make nba benches bigger?

bruce jenner dominates wnba

You know that feeling where you are in trouble with your girlfriend or mom or boss or the cops but you've done so many bad things you don't know which one has caught up to you so you try find out what they know and pretend that is the exact extent of your misdeeds

This time in my life is like the beginning part of scoobie doo running

jello

my name is jello, i breed exotic animals. i don't deal with prostitiutes i deal with dancers thats not against the law

brainwash?

if you are brainwashed how culpable are you

Limp wrists

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Kk autocorrect to kkk

Todd Barry manilow

Aswan the viceroy of kush

Isn't worldwide one word? I want to use a local web. Lw.Google.com

Papaya phone

If Raffi wrote many other fruit inspired phone paradises

Troit

Im from da Troit

Best and worst moments: best i met Pete best. Worst i ate a liver worst and got food posining

How come there isn't a bigger version of the jelly bean. They are the best flavors but you can only enjoy them in small increments.

One reason prostitution and drugs are illegal is if they were legal it would be too easy to laundry money through them. You could believe a guy would pay any price for sex or drugs (examples)

This is why rich people claim to love art, because you can't put a price on it, but a million dollars sounds pretty good.

Make music videos staring me for songs that came out before mtv