You know how back in the day people when it rained they used to think it was the gods crying and now we look back on them folk who  simple and figure out but isn't the concept of god moret  difficult than understanding the water cycle i mean Im pretty sure its three steps and Im pretty sure i could figure out that the lake gets lower when its hot out  and it rains when there's clouds on the sky... understanding god is like, 6 steps, at least

Commercial from the perspective of an illegal Mexican who is pained that he can pay taxes because the immigration office is a bottleneck. Please let me pay taxes to help pay my keep for the great services that make American great

Sitcom about Dr vinnie boombats

You ever be talking and all of a sudden you realize you about to say a word that you don't really know what it means but maybe you head somebody say it in line at the grocery store and...
and if you ain't quick enough you ether gamble and hope your instincts were right or you stand there looking dumb cause you takin a minute to get a word out you be like i was walking to the ... Char.. Del.. Meat store.

Make one word that represents every stereotype, niggers, Jew, retard, gay, white trash,  douchebags, Asian, cuts fuck faces assholes and ducks. What if we made one word for all of the "bad words" cause they all pretty much mean that anyway. Just have one word that means bad so i don't have to look at your hair or your skin or your crotch but i can still say that you belong to a specific group of people and that group of people is bad. So which word did i decide to choose, to represent all of the bad we see in others. How about human. How about instead of saying you throw like a girl say you throw like a human (in this set always undersell the first part and overseas the second with progressive over acting untill  crescendo as though all of sipite and malice was pouring out of a pinhole of pandoras box, but at final punch own up to acting deficiencies of inability to capture true moment, then overseas as much as possible ) or instead of hey retard quit hitting yourself, hey human quit hitting yourself you human (spit), or that guy sitting on his porch in Kentucky with a shot gun on his lap and no body around for miles in every direction, just getting more and more afraid of every thing that you are not. Rocking in that chair and instead of saying (deadpan) is that chinamen behind that tree. He can say, is that a human behind that tree. Because isn't that what we are really afraid of when we feel defensive and have to attack with a bad word, maybe with this new word we will be able to better see that what we despise seeing in others we are just afraid that person could be you

John Wayne newton impression

281 330 8004

281 330 8004 mike jones is this generation's tommy tutone

borges

http://wtf.tw/ref/borges.html

Imma cut to the chase. After i blaze and blow a puff in your face, such a disgrace
I ain't even started yet and Im winning the race Im beginning to taste

Cut to chase then cut back to chase flashback/foreword to chase

Name

Show where every body tries to convince someone that he ate something with acid on accident and his come up is on its way

Power=opportunity ability
Brought through money, creativity 48

car crash= cock rash

I saw a homeless guy on the street asking for change. and I wanted to help him out but I couldn't break a hundred

I went to the movies. they had a sign that said "no outside food" so i left my picnic basket in the car

rip

sometimes i get rip taylor mixed up with rip torn

mix and match each set of lyrics with each beat. Turns 10 songs into 55. When pressing album distribute only 10 songs but make it a random 10 including each beat and each lyrics. This increases collectilibility intrigue and the more limited editions will be more desireable.

If on stage and someone is getting accuse them of being addicted but approach it overly sympathetically          Im sorry you have lost so much of your brain and placed it in that device

sometimes when i see a cute dog i offer to buy it. They never say ok and i feel it makes them love the dog all the more. then I tell them that he's a mirror image of a dog i had who died. I try to offer progressive sums to where they say yes. Then i snap out of character and tell them that the sum is how much their love is worth. Then I walk away.

Is there anything scarier, than a little kid, with a big stick. Just swinging it around with careless abandonment completely unaware of the laws of cintripital motion. I saw a four year old kid break a stick as thick as my thumb; against a tree that he didn't even see. )

russel brand as tiny tim

Elijah wood  dresses like a dressed down Mr rodgers

a rediculous ringtone "todd glass jingle with a persons name in it" style goes off and everybody checks thier phones, someone answers, it goes off again, everyone checks and then someone elses answers.

Old news, news for old people

instead of listing positive references, as a comedian, list places that you were condemned from

where did you meet?

act extremely precosious and gaurded when confronted with the dilemma of telling the crowd where you met your girlfirend, possibly hinting towards online, you actually met her at the dump she was driving a garbage truck

characters are more interesting/unique/relatable when they have disperate characteristics

Todd glass is, "fun dad"

radio show where they take and set up callers but only give one word answers then hang up and move on

freebird

i ran a all request radio station but everyone who called in asked for freebird. it ran at low cost, we only had to buy one album. i sold the company for 50 milllion dollars its now the third biggest radio station in the rust belt

Jack Horkheimer

Bit about people who are addicted to cell phones are just trapped within a reputation of punctual responses

Im sexist. But only physically. I think we are genetically the same mentally

how come newspapers never have the answers to the questions i want to know. the headline of the article is () i wanna know () and the go off on a diatribe on ()

honesty segment similar to norm and the horse. When are the most frequent lies and why do we do it?

kid grocery

taking kid to grocery store. when at store with kids you can seem like a culinary genius because your kid doestn't realize everything is labeled

Greg props is pewee human meets Dennis miller

Do you ever wish sometimes, that dragonflies could breath fire

When child calls someone fat or ugly its innocuous that you lose when you get older and pure fact is clouded by judgement. Somehow the child comment hurts more despite the lack of malicious intent because it is pure truth that cuts to the core

two dumb guys having a serious discussion trying to figure out what the dogs playing poker were talking about satarizing conversations in pretentious art galleries.

The purpose of pain is toredirect and focus your brains attention towards recovering a malady

nuremberg

what is the biggest crime you could forgive yourself for?

a measure of abstractness. could you describe it to a dog?

the mother of invention

why didn't a slave invent the cotton gin

funeral dirge

howlin wolf "goin down" great dirge

The problem with dating is that the ideal mate is the person who evokes the strongest positive emotion within you. Smile, come in your pants. But someone who has that emotion power over you in the positive direction also has it in the negative direction. Whenever you see an ex its like the opposite of coming in your past